Goodbye 2012!

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I've written.

The past several months I have been struggling emotionally, mentally, even physically... I just haven't been able to put into words what I have felt. For anyone who hasn't dealt with depression, first off - that's wonderful. But secondly, it's hard to describe it to you. For me, it's almost a suffocating, paralyzing fear that comes over me. Physically I've been struggling with back pain and migraines which only got worse with the depression.

 I'm not saying this for sympathy, just as a preface of the rest of the story.

During this same time, issues arose at work. It became clear to me that I still didn't have the support or open communication from my supervisors that I felt were necessary for a job such as this. I struggled over what to do, but I decided it was in my best interest to go ahead and give my notice.

I will be working until the end of the month but it already feels like a burden is lifted off my shoulders. I'm looking for a new position, preferably in a more professional environment and in a busier/younger community. I usually need to have plans in place to feel secure, but for once I'm taking a leap of faith and I am so very excited to see what 2013 will bring.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all. :)

Dealing

I may have touched on this at some point before but I haven't talked about it in a while. When I think about my cancer days and I hear the stories of what others I know have went through and are going through now with this dreaded disease, it makes my heart ache. For all of us. And for the lack of understanding that is out there. I know we will see the pink and wear the ribbon, so much so that some days I'd like to puke. Honestly. But some people still do not get it.

When I was diagnosed I had family members act as if cancer was just something a person had to go through, a rite of passage. They offered no support. And haven't spoken to me since. I was new to the area and to my job, after working part time for several months after surgeries and treatments, my work threatened to make me quit to keep my insurance. Followed shortly by a poor staff performance evaluation since I had "been out sick" so much. That stress was devastating to me.

I was blessed to have wonderful parents and a few close friends and family that did help me out. I honestly don't think I could have made it without them. It is heartbreaking when families have to deal with the monster of breast cancer. However, they have support. They have each other. They don't go home to an empty house. But as I have dealt with it and I'm now seeing with a family friend, what is even more devastating, more heartbreaking... is seeing someone who is alone, trying to deal with it and live with it, alone.

Working Out

I joined the gym in January. I was very enthused. Met with a trainer and went... maybe twice. I've been paying for it each month and haven't worked up the nerve to cancel or go back. I've always hated working out around other people. Either they are in better shape than me, and are super-intimidating on the machines, or not in better shape than me and still intimidating on the machines. It really doesn't take much for me to look like an idiot most of the time.

Well, I was doing alright walking either out on the trail or on my treadmill (both of which helped me avoid the gym) until my foot started hurting. Then, I needed a low impact way to exercise. SO... I bit the bullet and have been going to the Wellness Center now for around two weeks.

Can I confess that I get a bit of a workout high? :) I've been doing about 20 minutes (= 1 mile) on this climber/stepper thing, then I do another 20 minutes (around 4.5 miles) on the stationary bike. I may be a sweaty beast when it's over but I can already tell a difference in my muscle tone. I've been to the water cardio class and gone swimming a couple times as well (which I love!). I haven't lost any weight yet but I feel pretty good about getting in shape and that's enough to keep me going for now.

Fun New Project!

One thing I've been wanting to do for years is to help my Mom clean out their basement. Or as she puts it, "plunder" through everything there, a mere forty years worth of everything. Sentimental notes, clothes, holiday decorations, books, tax papers, anything you can think of...

So, Pinterest gave me the idea of making a "t-shirt quilt" out of my old shirts. I was SUPER excited about this since I have a lot of t-shirts but I don't wear them that much. I mean, you get them for every event you go to; concerts, classes, conferences, colleges, and multiply that by a few decades... tada! You have boxes of shirts taking up space in your parents basement!

Here's an example:

http://www.starsforstreetlights.com/2012/03/diy-t-shirt-quilt.html

So far we have just "plundered" through several boxes of old clothes, but I feel  like I've accomplished quite a bit. I managed to divide those boxes into a "Goodwill" pile and a "t-shirt quilt" pile. A very few items were left as special "keepers" outside of the quilt. I've got to go through some shirts here before we lay them out and see how many I will actually use. Then I'll start measuring and cutting.

I love the idea of the quilt. With every shirt I've encountered, there were memories and stories... And hopefully as Mom and I work on the quilt we can weave in our own stories. This will be a quilt that I can use. It's not going to be fancy. It's going to be made with love. These shirts have memories, some were earned, some tell stories... I'm excited to see how this goes.

The BIG 30

I just turned 30 this year and my best friend is getting ready to turn 30. Needless to say I'm far from where I thought I would be by this time. But hey, I guess we all are. I thought I would be settled, married with a couple of kids and a perfect career on the back burner that I could pick back up once the kiddos started school. But oh wait, I think that's called a fantasy... not real life.

So I turned 30 with no fanfare, no party, and no cake. Probably one of the most lackluster birthdays of my entire life. Seriously. And this is for a girl who was ready to celebrate. Anyways... my friend is starting to panic about turning 30 but I don't see where it's a big deal. It just sounds different (A LOT different) than saying you're in your twenties. Personally, I'm hoping my thirties will be fabulous. I know more of what I want, what I won't settle for, and what I will strive for... more on this in later posts.

Here's a list that I found in a book that I wanted to share. List excerpted from Glamour's "Thirty Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know By The Time She's 30."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/24/turning-30-30-things-every-woman-should-have-and-should-know_n_1447368.html

By 30, you should have ...

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.

2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.

3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.

4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.

5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.

6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.

7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age -- and some money set aside to help fund it.

8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you.

9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.

10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.

11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.

13. The belief that you deserve it.

14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.

15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know ...

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.

2. How you feel about having kids.

3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.

4. When to try harder and when to walk away.

5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.

6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.

7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.

8. Where to go -- be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat -- when your soul needs soothing.

9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.

10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.

11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.

12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.

13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.

14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.

15. Why they say life begins at 30.

What do you think? What do you have on your list of things to have and know (or do?!) before you turn 30? 

Another amazing book...

I stumbled across another incredible children's book when I was processing new books at the library last week. Maybe I should turn this blog into my reading blog? But that's what my Goodreads.com posts are for... check that out if you haven't already.

This book... "The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore" is stunning. The images are breathtaking. The story itself slowly reveals itself through a love of books, and it left me covered in goosebumps and crying... every time I've read it.

That may sound absolutely crazy. It may be. But for anyone who grew up with a love of books and literature, and continues that throughout their life, should be able to relate. It reminds me a lot of the film "Up," except with books, if that gives you a hint.

Mr. Morris Lessmore's life was destroyed until, "a happy bit of happenstance came his way." (~Really? What a great word! We don't use 'happenstance' enough in daily life... just a thought.) He found himself drawn into a room "filled with the fluttering of countless pages, and Morris could hear the faint chatter of a thousand different stories, as if each book was whispering an invitation to adventure." *sigh* The librarian in me not only loves this book, but also wants to pass it along to all of you. :)

Go to http://morrislessmore.com/ to see pages of the book, which also was turned into an Academy Award winning short film.

Pain...

Ever since I was young I suffered from severe headaches. Not until I was in college did I actually admit the severity of the migraines, go to a neurologist and try to manage them with medication and other techniques. I remember once when I was still quite young, a relative laughed at me and told me I was too young to know what pain like that was.

Nowadays it seems like not a day goes by that I don’t have a headache, backache, or some-kinda-ache…  I wish that I could go a week without pain (and without my meds!).  I would be the happiest, most ecstatic girl you have ever seen! I would be hugging everyone in sight… I could probably fly to the moon and back on my own energy. Seriously.

Right now I’m dealing with severe back pain, the doctor said it’s probably muscle spasms. Either from favoring my upper body during surgeries and treatments and not using those muscles for a while, now they are rebelling against me or for some other random reasons (stress? Hormones? Etc?). [Side note - it has been almost a year of this back pain and it hasn't gotten any better, just worse... ]

One would think that as a librarian I wouldn’t have to worry about something like that but especially last week and this week, lifting banana boxes full of 75 or more books is strenuous. OTC pain pills don’t cut it, and I have to fall back on stronger stuff…  I have the option of going for an MRI but so far the doctors have just left that as an option for me. I want someone to say, “YES! I understand! Here, THIS is what is causing it and THIS is how we can fix it!” Needless to say, I have not gotten those types of results.

So, I will be extraordinarily grateful for my good days. I take advantage of doctor recommended massages, though the results do not last as long as I would have hoped. And remember to feel empathy for those who may be struggling with pain or their own battles, instead of patronizing what they are going through.

Father's Day

I went home this weekend to spend some time with the folks for Father's day. On Saturday, I met Mom and Dad in Christiansburg and we went to eat at Outback. I had been majorly craving a steak (and of course it's Dad's favorite). I never cook meat when I'm at my place since it's just me, I can usually grab something for lunch... but a steak is very special. Yum. I had a filet with wild mushroom sauce, garlic mashed potatoes, and steamed green beans... oh my. We walked around and did a bit of shopping and then hit Cold Stone. I'm not sure who got the best deal, me or Dad...?

Happy Father's Day to my wonderful Dad! :)

Dad & Mom - so cute in their matching green!

Poor Dad didn't get off so easy on Sunday (the actual Father's Day), a pipe burst in their basement. I quickly put him to work washing my car (yes, I helped). And then we came back here and mowed this field of a yard before he headed back home to work on the pipes at home. So he didn't get a lot of rest but at least we got a good meal in and some quality time in working together. Happy Father's day! :)

A Wistful Unicorn

I found the most awesome children's book at the library today.




It was of course the unicorn that drew my attention, but a "Wistful Unicorn"? This was a must read. It was more delightful than I can put into words. But I must.


"If I found a wistful unicorn and brought him to you, all forlorn... would you pet him?
If I took an empty midnight train across the country in the rain... would you meet me?
If I picked a little flower up and put it in a paper cup... would you smell it?
If I found a secret place to go, with you the only one to know...would you be there?

If my cricket coughed and got the flu and needed warmth and comfort too... would you hold him?
If my rainbow were to turn all gray and wouldn't shine at all today... would you paint it?
If my birch tree were afraid at night and couldn't sleep without a light... would you bring one?
If my soul were feeling all alone and wasn't near a telephone... would you write to it?

If my clock, developed nervous strain and needed help to "tock" again... would you fix it?
If I ran backwards up a tree and called for you to follow me... would you do it?
If my turtle got a nervous tic and couldn't swim 'cause he was sick... would you sit with him?
If I said that I could dance for you as hard as that would be to do... would you watch me?

If my pet turnip turned on me and bit me fiercely on the knee... would you bandage it?
If my obelisk came tumbling down and fell in pieces on the ground... would you pick it up?
If my nightingale were a monotone and much too shy to sing alone... would you hum with him?
If my wart decided yesterday to be a dimple anyway... would you notice?

If all that I would want to do would be to sit and talk to you... would you listen?
If any of these things you'll do, I'll never have to say to you... "Do you love me?"

~by Ann Ashford

Library work

They don't tell you in library school to be prepared for EVERYTHING. We are currently in week 3 of renovations at one of the branches where I work. Thus far I have boxed up dozens of boxes of books, scrubbed shelves, and adjusted shelves. They have painted the library, put down new carpet, paved the parking lot, and are currently putting in new windows, a new roof, new bathrooms, etc. The building was 30 years old so these are great changes. It will be a couple more weeks before we open since there is still a lot of work to do, but it will be worth the wait.

We are finally at the point to put the books back on the shelves. I'm super excited since we have moved the children's area and added a "Teen Alley" area.

This is a "before" picture of the kids area of the library... All those boxes are loaded with picture books. Oh the work to do...

My dream is that it would turn out like this:

https://picasaweb.google.com/105028674445402546389/ChildrenSDepartment?feat=flashalbum#5644502520064524546

But for now I'll settle for getting the books back on the shelf.  :) I'll post pics when we get finished.

Blogging again...?

I see it's been over eight months since I've written here on my blog. Wow. I'm at a point where I want to blog again but I wasn't sure whether or not to write here or start on a new blog. But life is what it is... so I guess I will give it a shot here. I'm not sure if anyone here will even realize that I'm writing so we will see! But I don't think FB can contain all my random thoughts anymore or if I want to share it with everyone there...

Also a disclaimer, I want to move away from all the BC posts. Honestly I don't like to even go back and read all that I went through... I think about it a lot but most people won't talk to me about it. So, there may be an occasional mention, but it may just be pure, random, life.

Welcome.